Your in-laws cannot be totally ruled
out from your marital affairs because they may play some vital roles in helping
you and your spouse build a healthy marital relationship. Your in-laws’
involvement in your marriage could either help it grow or hurt it. But when
they start getting involved or start prying into every of your family’s affairs
to the extent that it started creating some form of conflict between you and
your spouse, then we can classify that as an unhealthy involvement that should
be curtailed. But, how do you deal with such without seeming like you want to
deprive them from coming in contact with their son or daughter?
Some in laws are so annoying to the extent
that they’ll tend to make you feel like you’re not good enough for their son or
daughter. There was a case that occurred sometime ago where the husband’s
mother keeps going back to the marital home of her son requesting to
cook for her son on the ground that his wife can’t cook his local delicacies of
which her son is very much accustomed to; since she’s from a different tribe. What
should one do in such kind of a delicate situation?
Some people might resort to standing
their ground and stating that since the supposed person has gotten married to
them, nobody should be involved in teaching them on how to run their lives and
family, thereby creating strains in the relationship between them and their in -
laws. How do you tell them off without sounding rude and still maintain a
cordial relationship with them?
make them understand that you are not stealing their son/daughter away from them:
Some families see someone coming to
take their daughter or son in marriage as an intruder coming to occupy their
space in his/her life. Hence, they would want to do everything possible to
resist such an intruder. Their suspicion get heightened when the one coming to seek
for their son’s or daughter’s hand in marriage start putting up some funny behaviors
or practices that is not at par with theirs.
Such suspicion would make them
ensure that such person never have his or her space as they would always want
to be in the person’s family’s business to know what he/she is up to in his or
her relationship with their son/daughter. Some families might even send someone
to go and be living with the said couple so as to feed them with information
about the marriage of their son or daughter. Should this be the case, how do
you assure your in-laws that you’re not going to turn the heart of their
daughter or son away from them?
Show them with your attitude that
their son/daughter will always have them at heart and would be available
whenever he/she is called upon for any important family function. With this you
might make them feel at ease and dampen any suspicion and tension they might
have had of you coming to steal their son or daughter away from them.
Make effort to get close to your in-laws:
When your in-laws see you as one of
their own, they hardly interferes in your family’s affairs in a way that you’ll
consider unacceptable unless you invite them into the issue yourself; because
they’ll believe that you have their interest at heart.
How do you get close to
your in-laws? You make them know that you care about them by visiting and
spending time with them as often as possible or calling as often as you have
the chance. You may even decide to go with them to some family functions once
in a while, so as to build the bond of relationship between you and them.
The bottom
line here is building a cordial relationship - not an artificial type of
relationship that you’re going to ignore the moment they’ve given you their son
or daughter, but a relationship that’s going to be on the long run. When you
have a cordial relationship with your in-law they hardly bother or pry into
your family’s affairs.
What some people intending to get
married do most times is that, they’ll tend to get close to their said in-laws during
the initial stage that they are seeking for the approval of their supposed in
laws and distance themselves the moment they’ve gotten that approval. This in
turn creates a kind of distrust in the hearts of their in-laws and would prompt
them into wanting to get involved in such person’s marriage to their son/daughter
to see what he or she might be up to.
To the ladies, note that when you have a
cordial relationship with your in-laws, the possibility of your husband
misbehaving is reduced as you have a lot of people that can help you caution
him should he decide to misbehave: So the chance for divorce and break up is
greatly reduced when a cordial relationship is maintained with the in-laws.
Also
when a man observes that his wife is putting effort at maintaining a cordial
relationship with his family, he tends to love her more. But the downside of this
is when the husband sensed that his wife is getting closer to his family so as
to form a unified force against his excesses, mostly if it has to do with
situations where the man is misbehaving; they tend to resist any alliances
their wife would want to form with their families.
Creating a close and sincere relationship
with your in-laws goes a long way into softening their hearts toward you, thereby
prompting them to treat you and your marriage with respect.
Know when to set boundaries:
Just as getting to know your in-laws
and building a close relationship with them is important, also knowing when to
set boundaries is equally important. The problem with most people, mostly
ladies is that no sooner than they get married to their spouse than they start
creating unnecessary boundaries on what and what could be done by her in-laws
when they come around.
This creates a kind of resentment in the hearts of the in-laws
toward her and they would want to show her that the supposed spouse she’s now
claiming was once and still is; their son, brother, etc.
If you have been able to build a
cordial relationship with your in-laws, then setting reasonable boundaries on
what is acceptable by you and what isn’t in the course of your relationship
with their son or brother wouldn’t be a problem.
Don’t be quick to want to tell
your in-laws off like some ladies do when they feel that they’ve been able to
secure their place in the man’s life; as it only creates more room for
conflicts between her and her in-laws.
Present yourself responsibly:
Once you’re viewed as an
irresponsible person by your in-laws, then your marriage is going to suffer for
it. They would tend to see no reason why
their son/daughter would want to be with an irresponsible individual like you; hence
they would always want to keep an eye on you in other to ensure that their son
or daughter is in good condition. How do you present yourself responsibly
before your in- laws?
Note what you say and how you react
to what you hear when you’re in their company as they tend to judge your person
by what they hear you say or do. They may laugh with you or think you are
funny, but they may also nurse some doubts if you’re the right one for their
son or daughter. So your words, actions and reactions should be guarded when in
the company of your in laws, else you might only end up setting yourself up for
some marital intrusion and problems.
Keep your family's problems to yourself:
In laws involvement in marriages is
heightened when they suspect that their son or daughter is being treated unfairly
by his/her spouse. How would your in-laws know what’s going on in your family
if one of you does not go and complain to them about your family’s issues?
The more
you complain about your spouse to your in laws or your family members, the more
they would want to get involved in your family’s affairs. They would start
seeing your spouse as an enemy and would want to do anything possible to push
him/her away from you. So if you don’t want your in-laws’ involvement in your
family’s affairs, limit what you tell them about your family and your spouse.
Show a lot of affection to their son/daughter when in their presence:
I am not asking you to pretend that
all is well, when all might not be well in the real sense. But when your in-laws
sense that you have a cordial, lovely and affectionate relationship with their son
or daughter, they wouldn’t want to get involved in your affairs because they
would have this notion that all is well between you and their son or daughter
and wouldn’t want to do anything jeopardize that.
One way some couples set themselves
up for in-laws negative involvement in their marriages is by behaving harshly
and rudely to their spouse in the presence of his/her in-laws, this create some
forms of negative ideas in the mind of their in-laws on how you’re treating
their son/daughter and that might want to make them intrude in your family’s
affairs to know what’s going on.
So be very careful of the kind of action you
portray in the presence of your in-laws toward your spouse as it either
increase their trust for you in taking good care of their son/daughter or it
increases their negative thoughts about you and make them want to pry into your
marriage the more to see what’s going on.
In-laws involvement in marriages
could either be a marriage strengthener or a marriage killer depending on how
well you go about it. Understand that the sort of relationship you build with
your in-laws go a long way to affect your own romantic relationship with your
spouse and determines the extent of your in-laws’ involvement in your marriage.
You can actually win your in-laws over and make them to always stand by your side
when the need arises or make them to be against you and always want to pry into
every of your marital affairs. So play your cards well when dealing with your in-laws
and you’ll be the one to benefit greatly from it.
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